Joe Stead – The Ramblings of an old Codger – Volume 159 - December 2013

 

With the help of my good friend Dave Pugh we have completely revamped the Joe Stead web page (www.joestead.com) and there is now a new Kimber's Men web page with its own address (www.kimbersmen.co.uk).  Before you could only access Kimber's Men through 'Joe Stead'.

 

Please take a look and comment accordingly.

 

Meanwhile it appears you can now buy Kimber's Men CD's new and used on both Ebay and Amazon from as little as £1.65 to £13.  Well there's a bargain there somewhere.

 

What you cannot buy is the latest release 'Strength of the Swell' unless you contact me, or other band members.  It will make somebody a wonderful Christmas present.  It's a double CD and as a special offer you can have it for £15 including postage.  Of course the other CD's will also make wonderful Christmas presents, but please be aware two of the CD's on Amazon are compilations of previous private releases by the band on 'A Private Label'.

 

Meanwhile on a completely different subject the government plans to take the extraordinary steps to ensure that immigrants cannot receive benefits for 3 months.  Amazing.  I would make it three years.

 

Interesting set of letters this month, all worth reading insofar as one reader is upset that I'm not being controversial enough, and another has with some incredible anger signed off because I am too controversial.  Well pathetically inane, cruel, senseless, unfounded and politically dangerous is the exact sentiment.  Strangely it comes from France.  He seems to hope that others will follow him in droves.  Not to France you understand.  He certainly wouldn't want that.

 

Finally Sarah Palin has apparently recently claimed that Jesus Christ celebrated Easter during his time on Earth.

 

In an interview with Fox and Friends, the former Alaska governor promoted her new book about the left's "war on Christmas" and argued that all Christian holidays should return to the traditional versions practiced by Jesus.

 

"It makes me so gosh darn angry," Palin explained. "The liberal left in this country has targeted Christian holidays and is trying to secularize them right out of existence.

 

"When Jesus celebrated Easter with his disciples there were no Easter bunnies or egg hunts. There were no Easter sales at department stores or parades in the street. Easter was a special time of prayer and Christian activism.

 

"Jesus would gather all the townspeople around and would listen to their stories about the meaning of Easter in their lives. Then he would teach them how to love one another, how to protest Roman abortion clinics and how to properly convert homosexuals.

 
Gospel of Palin  Easter is a Christian holiday celebrating the resurrection of Jesus Christ on the third day after he was crucified by the Romans in the 1st century A.D. It is the most important holiday for Eastern and Orthodox Christians, and also has great significance in the West.

 

Because Easter is a celebration of Jesus' resurrection from the dead, it is highly unlikely that he celebrated the holiday before his death. Its first recorded instance is sometime in the mid-2nd century. This seemingly obvious fact was not lost on the Fox and Friends team, who instantly challenged Palin's assertions.

 

"Sarah, you know that we love you," started co-host Brian Kilmeade. "I can understand if you think Christian holidays have become too secular and you want to return to the days of the early church. But you have to know that Jesus never celebrated Easter right? I mean you have to know that. What do you think Easter celebrates?"

 

"Well, Brian, Easter celebrates, you know, sticking it to all the liberal lefties out there who want to be taking our guns and our freedom," Palin responded. "It celebrates the rights of the unborn and the right to religious freedom, to not have government come in and tell you who to believe in and who not to ...."

 

"It celebrates the death and resurrection of Jesus," Kilmeade interrupted. "It celebrates his death and resurrection from the dead. Now Sarah, tell me how can Jesus celebrate his own death before he died?"

 

Palin stared blankly into the screen for about 15 seconds, before co-host Elisabeth Hasselbeck cut to commercial.

 

And a whole bunch of Americans wanted her to be the president.  And what is more frightening; it could still happen.

 

Have a Happy Christmas.

 

Fixture List for Kimber's Men and Joe Stead

 

2013

Nov 29th (KM) Daglingworth Village Hall, Gloucestershire.

Nov 30th (KM) Dumbleton Village Hall, Gloucestershire.

Dec 11th (KM) The Works, Sowerby Bride, Christmas Party

Dec 12th (KM) The Red Deer, Pitt St., Sheffield. S1 4DD 

Dec 15th (KM) Sowerby Bridge Christmas Street Party

 

2014

Jan 17th (KM) Sheepscombe Village Hall Gloucestershire.

Jan 18th (KM) Oxenhall Village Hall Gloucestershire.

Feb 21st (KM) Duntisbourne Abbots, Village Hall, Gloucestershire.

Feb 22nd (KM) Kempley, Village Hall, Gloucestershire.

Mar 21st (KM) Churchdown Village Hall, Gloucestershire.

Mar 22nd (KM) Ross Village Hall - Provisional

Mar 29th (KM) Bankfield Museum, Halifax. 2pm

Apr 4th (KM) Cliffords Mesne Village Hall, Gloucestershire

Apr 5th (KM) Westbury Parish Hall, Gloucestershire

Apr 20th (Joe) Gosport Folk Festival

Apr 21st (Joe) Gosport Folk Festival

Apr 24th (Joe) Brixham Theatre, New Road, Brixham, Devon - Paul Robeson

May 3rd (KM) The Birds Nest (originally the Oxford Arms) Deptford.

May 4th (KM) Sweeps Festival, Rochester

May 5th (KM) Sweeps Festival, Rochester

May 17th (KM) Charlbury Village Hall, Oxfordshire.

May 23rd (KM) Ostend Shanty Festival, Belgium

May 24th (KM) Ostend Shanty Festival, Belgium

May 25th (KM) Ostend Shanty Festival, Belgium

Jun 14th (KM) Highgate Fair in the Square, Pond Square, London N6 - Provision

Jun 27th (KM) Scottish Traditional Boat Festival, Portsoy

Jun 28th (KM) Scottish Traditional Boat Festival, Portsoy

Jun 29th (KM) Scottish Traditional Boat Festival, Portsoy

Jul 4th (KM) Cleckheaton Folk Festival - Provisional

Jul 5th (KM) Cleckheaton Folk Festival

Jul 6th (KM) Cleckheaton Folk Festival

Dec 6th (KM) The Workshop, Back Victoria Street, Halifax. HX1 5SU

 

 

2015

May 15th (KM) The David Hall, South Petherton - Provisional

 

Letters

 

HiJoe

 

Thank you for Volume 158, keep up the good work.

There is a bill going through parliament to gag free speech, as we speak.

Time to speak out

Quentin Hood.

 

 

Dear Joe,

I read your Ramblings for one reason, and one reason only. The reason is in the Ramblings, sometimes.  But sometimes the reason is not in the Ramblings, but I have to read the Ramblings to see if the reason is there.  For this reason, you may continue to write Ramblings, or not write Ramblings.  But I am rambling.

Yer American Pal,

Fishken.

How's the weather?

 

 

Joe

Ah the Ramblings are back and the world can continue wobbling on its merry way.  Bit boring this month, nothing controversial. Stir things up and continue the good work you cheeky monkey!

Peter Brooker

 

 

Joe

I think we’ll call it a day there. When someone, anyone, can announce to his or her assembled monthly fan club that ‘we need them (starving children) to die’, I think it’s probably time to reduce the audience.  By one at least and I hope others will follow.  I find such a pathetically inane, cruel, senseless, unfounded and politically dangerous résumé (yes, one of those silly French words just to annoy you) of sadly oft-repeated tragic situations frankly sickening and I really don’t want to waste any more time wading through your pestilential diatribes. There’s no point in even attacking your shallow, infantile, populist and racist (yes, well, you are actually) arguments and no, I can no longer treat ‘The Rantings’ as a bit of harmless provocation in the name of free speech. There’s enough fascist madness going on in the south of France without the need to import any more from the frozen wastes of Halifax.

As the old song goes, ‘So long, bin good to know yer….’

Tim Broadbent

(somewhere in France)

 

 

 

Joe
Welcome back - its like you have never been away

Lovely to dip in and read your ramblings - where would we be without you - in the doldrums Joe

Welcome home and a huge thanks from me for the recommencement of your wonderful Ramblings Joe

 

Noel Moroney

 

 

Dear Joe,

Geoff Bartley from the Cantab in Cambridge, Massachusetts here.

My Monday night open mic is anemic but still walking upright most days.

I'd love to have you back when next you visit the US.

Best,

Geoff Bartley

 

 

 

Hi Joe,

First, may I join the rich and richly deserved chorus of "Welcome back!"'s

Second, why do I suspect you had your tongue in cheek when you asked, "So why are all the really political correct people suddenly up in arms that the England football manager should refer to one of his players as being a 'monkey'?"

They are upset because 2.786% of the European football fans happily erupt into monkey chants when a black player takes the pitch. Even Americans could figure that out.

Welcome back,

Charlie Reilley USA.

 

 

 

Funnies

 

 

Important Quotes

 

"She has been kissed as often as a police-court Bible, and by much the same class of people."           

Robertson Davies

                                                                      

"She is such a good friend that she would throw all her acquaintances into the water for the pleasure of fishing them out again." 

Charles Talleyrand                                             

                                                                                                                                          

"She tells enough white lies to ice a wedding cake."           

Margot Asquith                                                         

                                                                                                                                       

"He's so snobbish he has an unlisted zip-code."           

Earl Wilson

                                                                                                                                         

"I will always love the false image I had of you."           

Ashleigh Brilliant                                                      

                                                                                                                                          

"Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?"     

 Groucho Marx                                                   

                                                                                                                                         

"I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse."           

Woody Allen

                                                                                                                                         

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."           

Charles, Count Talleyrand

                                                                                                                                          

"He was one of the nicest old ladies I ever met."           

William Faulkner                                                       

                                                                                                                                          

"He was one of those men who possess almost every gift, except the gift of the power to use" them.           

Charles Kingsley

                                                                                                                                          

"He was so crooked, you could have used his spine for a safety-pin."           

Dorothy L. Sayers

                                                                                                                                         

"His smile is like the silver plate on a coffin."           

John Philpot Curran                                                 

                                                                                                                                        

"His voice was the most obnoxious squeak I ever was tormented with."           

Charles Lamb        

                                                                                                                                          

"I don't recognize you - I've changed a lot."           

Oscar Wilde

                                                                                                                                        

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception."           

Groucho Marx   

                                                                                                                                          

"I see her as one great stampede of lips directed at the nearest derriere."           

Noël Coward   

                                                                                                                                   

"Nature played a cruel trick on her by giving her a waxed mustache."           

Alan Bennett    

                                                                                                                                     

"She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."           

Groucho Marx     

                                                                                                                                         

"She had much in common with Hitler, only no mustache."           

Noel Coward                                                         

                                                                      

 

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

 

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep,husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?' The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

 

 

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

 

 

 

THE HORTH WHITHPERER

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.  His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

 

'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.'  So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.'  So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth.  Can I thee her eyeth'?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth'?  So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I see her mouf'?

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point,

But he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat'?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his Arms and sticks the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and plops him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.  'Perhapth I should rephrase that.
Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit'?

 

 

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

 

 

The Duck & the Lawyer

 

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

 

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

 

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

 

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

 

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

 

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"

 

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

 

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

 

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

 

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

 

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

 

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

 

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

 

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.

 

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

 

The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up. You can have the duck”.

 

 

 

 

 

Keep smiling, keep singing

 

Joe Stead